Saturday, December 14, 2002

 
I know Reithy wasn't defence minister in 1999 but call it artistic license.
posted by Simon 6:13 pm

 
One day in mid 1999

Prime Minister John Howard threw his glasses down on his desk and turned to his defence minister. "Peter", he said, "I will abide it no longer. The East Timorese have been suffering under the Javanese yoke for nigh on a quarter of a century now. My predecessors shirked this responsibility but I cannot. We shall right this terrible wrong. Get Peter Cosgrove on the phone. He's just the chap for the job."

"Right away Prime Minister" said Reithy. Could this be true? he thought. The plucky embodiment of real decent Aussies was finally going to grasp the Timorese nettle? Peter's blood was rushing as he returned to his office. "Miles", he said, "the PM's going to liberate East Timor". Miles was dumbfounded. "That's just like him", was all he could say.

John Howard looked out the window of his office. His heart was heavy. The Australian flag fluttered atop the House of Representatives. No matter how often he saw it the same lump came to the throat. "Ken", he said to his faithful manservant. "You see that flag over there. That is the reason we will do this thing. God willing, we shall give the noble people of East Timor their freedom. I do this in the knowledge that Australian lives may be lost. Can the people forgive me? I care not, for this is the right thing to do. Let them judge me at the next election, as is their right."

Ken Parish's eyed welled as he rubbed his spittle into those brown shoes. He had known this man for many years, had dedicated his life to serving him. He knew the man's every mood and loved him for his eschewal of spin doctors, opinion polling and media management. John Howard had always said the people had to judge him on his actions. He would never play games with them.

But Ken had never been as proud of John Howard as he was at that moment. The Prime Minister always did what was in the interests of the country without a thought to political repercussions. "Ken", he often said, "I care not how long I am in this job, as long as I can look back with pride at each and every decision I have made. I do it for the people and no-one else."

John Howard had one last thing to say. "I shall be leading the charge, personally, for I cannot ask any soldier to do something I would not. I'm going over there myself. Get me some khakis".

But luckily for Austalia, Ken managed to talk him out of this.

To be continued ....

posted by Simon 5:25 pm

 
A walk in the park

It is a smashing day in Melbourne. Just back from the Botanical Gardens where Martin and I and our spouses had a mini picnic. Threw some bread into the pond for the ducks. He's a good mate. "N year' sun" ["Next year's the one", see deciphering Martin] he told me. He usually knows what to say. Next year we consolidate.

Anyway, we were walking back to the carpark, the women in front, Martin and I bringing up the rear. Nubile young female joggers are eliciting the usual Martin response "Mate, 'd ke to ver blood ood ving" [Mate, I'd like to give her a bloody good serving], "Vthat na ving" ["I'd give that one a serving'] when one of them tspies us and trots over.

"Mr Crean, can I have a word?" asked she, jogging on the spot. I must admit she was a sight to behold. Sure, I said, and put out my hand which she took and shook. "Call me Simon". "Ok, Simon, why don't you want to protect our country? Why do you prefer Indonesians to Australians? We know that John Howard will protect us, why won't you? John Howard liberated East Timor, he'll keep Australia free." And so on (I'm paraphrasing from memory.) It was a hard one. I tried explaining to her that with East Timor we actually led a United Nations peace-keeping force with the permission of the Indonesian government, but she said that's not the way she remembers it. "John Howard said enough was enough with the injustices the Indonesian Muslims were inflicting on the East Timorese and he intervened. John Howard will always right a wrong when he sees it. He protects us" With that she turned and off she went.

I asked Martin what he thought, but by his answer it was obvious he hadn't heard a word she said. It's a difficult trail ahead.
posted by Simon 4:20 pm

 
Another dream

I'll write this down before I forget it. Dream last night: I'm on a plane with Kim Beazley, we're flying to Baghdad of all places, where we're both giving a talk on world security or some such. Kim's really into this stuff, while I've just got a speech to read from. Kim's telling me he might wing it on the podium, just go extemporaneous. Just the thought makes my guts churn. Then I notice the plane door has been left open and I'm being sucked outside. I yell for help, but Kim has turned into John Howard and he's shaking his head, saying I jolly well got myself into this mess and I could jolly well get myself out. Then it's Carmen in the plane with me, and she's wagging her finger at me as if to say 'I told you so'.

My speech notes fly out the door, so I'm buggered anyway. I look up and Kim, Carmen and Howard are having a beer and a laugh. They all turn and laugh at me. Then I woke up.

Brrrr.
posted by Simon 1:30 pm

Friday, December 13, 2002

 
!
posted by Simon 11:16 pm

 
I've been called gutless. Made no friends here either.

posted by Simon 6:22 pm

Monday, December 09, 2002

 
There are two types of Carmens .. sorry, people .... in this world, those who ... hang on, where was I? .. yes, those who are Carmen Lawrence and those that aren't. Actually, there are two types of Carmens in this world: one is an opera often nominated by people who don't really care much for opera as their favourite, but pooh-poohed somewhat by the operati. There's a good line to be done with that I'm sure, and I will in a later blog.

The other is, of course, Carmen who is on my backbench.

That's all I'll say on the matter at this stage.
posted by Simon 11:35 pm

 
Pavlov's Dog

Pavlov would have loved John Howard. Pavlov was the bloke with the dog who salivated in anticipation of food when he rang a bell.

Have you noticed our PM literally salivates when certain buttons are pressed in radio interviews? For example, John Laws would be only half way through a question on immigration and you can hear a grunt and slurp, Howard's heart rate's gone up, he's excited, it's this stuff that really makes the job. Sometimes these interviews are videoed for the nightly news, and you can see him springing upright. With the juices flowing, he's off: "Yes John, it's a two way street, you can't cherry pick the Australian way of life [slurp]..."

Always good to see someone enjoying their job.
posted by Simon 1:33 pm

 
Angry White Males

Further on the Angry White Males thing. Carmen's got the wrong end of the stick, it's not the opinion polls that keep us a pale imitation of the Howard government, it's that the heavy hitters in the party are all angry blokes who think John Howard's got it pretty well right.

Take Mark, the Angriest White Male. His parliamentary excoriations of right wing columnists, plus Tony Abbott and last week Helen Coonan, are a useful way to let off steam, but the real source of his anger is that he hates the government because they're Liberals but can't think of anything substantial on which he disagrees with them. It's the chardonnay left he really detests; they're the ones stopping him from out-Howarding the government. He'd relish the brief of castigating Howard for being soft on refugees, blacks and the middle class unemployed.

My good friend Martin and his brother Laurie are, as I've said before, in the Hanson corner of the party. Martin hates boat people, really hates them, "mate, run-Strayn" ("Mate, they're un-Australian", see deciphering Martin) he's been heard to explain on more than one occasion.

The brothers would like a less liberal economic approach, but just between us they love Howard's social view of the country. A female deputy leader notwithstanding, the ALP is more blokey than ever. These are the guys that have risen to the top of the Australian Labor Party.

So once again, if you think I'm bad, wheover follows me will be much much worse.

Carmen, we're all Howardites now.
posted by Simon 1:24 pm