Simon Crean MP
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Friday, November 28, 2003
If you are reading this it means I have been murdered.
I got this email today. Senders' name left out.
dear mr crean,
i'm sorry to hear the bad news of your departure as the leader of the opposition. i'm not an australian citizen but i've been here studying in australia while you were opposition leader & witnessed you through your troubles. i must say sir, you have had one hell of a ride. i know what i say means nothing but i will say it anyway. i will always respect you for your stance on immigration and the mis-deeds of the howard government. you stood alone most of the time against all odds and though tired but never shaken. your beliefs has given me a new found meaning to the saying " standing what you beleive in". i watched you and your family on ABC's Australian Story. i used to think you (and other politicians) we so high and mighty and i never tought of them as normal people, but you made that clear to me that you are a normal man, a farther and husband. for this i thank you. i wish i was an australian citizen because my vote would have definitely go towards the labour party. i come from a working class family & beleive that the worker is the machinery that makes this a country go round. You have fought for the worker and for that you'll not be forgotten. your steadfastness to your ideals and principles make you the leader you are, no matter what others say. lastly, i'll do all in my power to speak and pass on the idelogy of the labour party to the masses. The labour party will WIN the elections.....if they don't self-destruct. may god bless you!
kind regards,
Saturday, November 15, 2003
Quote unquote:
"We decide the arses we lick, and the circumstances in which we lick them"
Prime Minister John Howard, in London showing off to Fleet Street.
Saturday, October 25, 2003
From a reader
Johnnie Howard isn’t the only federal pollie to go under various aliases or
alternative spellings.
"Mr. Howard has a very favorable rating as a prime minister compared with
the opposition alternative, Mr. Kreen." - PBS NewsHour with Jim Lehrer.
Krispy Kreen?
Wednesday, October 08, 2003
As we all know, the Prime Minister John Howard enjoys great authority in his party - and indeed the National Party. In particular, there is a half dozen or so members of marginal regional seats - that Townsville bible basher Peter Lindsay is one example - whose position on their PM lies somewhere between infatuation and hero-worship.
They love him because he is the PM and says things they thought they could only dream of. "I certainly don't want people of that type in this country", and so on. He is a God. This is mana from heaven to these regional backbenchers. I wouldn't go so far as to call them racists - but let's just say a good darkie/Muslim bashing helps them sleep at night. I really wouldn't go so far as to call them racists - but that's because I'm too polite.
You get the idea. They are knuckle-draggers. The type of person Brendan Nelson appeals to when he rubbishes university education. They live in caves and are very smelly. I don't like them.
Anyway, they look at Howard going around the country licking arse at the drop of a hat, and, well, they follow his example. They too have begin inveterate arse-lickers. They give good arse-lick. They lick arse very well indeedy.
The arse they favour licking the most is of course that of the Great Man himself. He only rarely allows them to. When they do it, it's like all their Christmases have come at once.
They are, remember, God-fearing men. We are lucky to have them.
Catchyas.
Monday, October 06, 2003
I love Jakarta in the springtime
I love Jakarta in the fall
I love Jakarta in the summer when it sizzles
I love Jakarta in the summer, when it pours
I love Jakarta every moment
Every moment of the year
I love Jakarta, why oh why do I love Jakarta?
Because my love is here.
That's Megawati Sukarnoputri to you. Mega to me. I love her so. Especially when she leaves me melting in the Jakarta traffic for two days. Very charming.
Thursday, September 25, 2003
One day Prime Minister John Howard was sitting in his office with nothing to do. Treasurer Costello was running a razor gang, Phllip Ruddock was banging on about refos, Alex Downer was lecturing the UN about something, saying "don't you know who I am?". John Howard was bored and restless. So he went out to do a little arse-licking.
He left Parly House and walked across the bridge towards Civic. On the way he licked six people's arses. They might not have all enjoyed it, but each of them knew their arse had been well and truly licked - no doubt about that, from the looks on their faces.
"I still got it", said Johnny Howard, rather like the Fonz used to. "Heeyyy"
Johnny Howard thought he'd go see a flick, so he went to that one near the bus stop. Terminator 3 was on, so Mr Howard paid his money and went in. What followed was simply incredible.
Have you seen the Woody Allen film "The Purple Rose of Cairo"? That's where Mia Farrow falls in love with a character in a film and ... it's been so long since I saw it, but the character comes out into the real world and they have an affair and .... the real life actor gets involved somehow and ... she ends up going into the film ... I can't remember, but it's a good film.
Anyway, something similar happened to John Howard when he saw Terminator III. This tale too is convoluted, but along the way John Howard becomes governor of California, Robert Hill goes back in time to make sure Peter Reith was never born, Phillip Ruddock turns out to be a cyborg that can turn to liquid, and Big Arnie leads the Labor Party to victory.
Hey! I don't like that last part.
To be continued ....
What's the point in it all? There is none. That's how I'm feeling today.
I know I'm a jerk with no pulling power. Of course my comparisons between myself and John Howard when he was opposition leader are pathetic. But what's a fellow to do?
People often stop me in the street and ask me why I bother. Just this week I was strolling with Martin down Flinders Street when a bloke with two kids in tow, eating ice-creams, accosted me. This is what he said.
"Mate, fair dinkum, you're a fucking clown. You are pathetic. You are so boring you make that little c*nt John Howard look interesting. For fuck's sake give it away."
After turning to walk away, he shot back this: "I'll still vote for you, but".
That's the point, this is why I stick it out. There will always be some people so rusted on to the great old Labor Party that they'll vote for us no matter what, no matter how we fuck them around. So what if people don't have a clue what I stand for. Millions are gonna vote for me. I can live with that.
Sorry if I don't have much interesting to say today, but I don't feel interesting. I feel flat and boring.
Catchyas.
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
More on his special skill
When President of the Young Liberals, John Howard once met Sir Robert Menzies.
"My dear boy", the Great Man rumbled, "you have no personality, you are eminently forgettable, you are no orator. People are not drawn to you. Your voice sounds silly. In short you have absolutely nothing going for you, except one thing:
"You are an arse-licker. You are the most enthusiastic arse-licker I have encountered in seventy years of public life. You obviously enjoy it immensely my boy, the way you go about it. Cherish that. Nurture it, don't let them take that away from you. You will be Prime Minister one day."
Then Sir Robert had his arse licked.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
"I never met an arse I didn't want to lick". So begins John Howard in his new book "How to Succeed in Australian Politics".
This is a marvelous read, by a writer with a sure hand. Its thesis can be boiled down thus: if you're a man with little going for you in policy, personality or presentation, you must be prepared to exercise the tongue.
As Howard writes: "you have to lick and lick until there's nothing left to lick, and then you know you're just getting started. When they ask you to stop, you just lick harder. When they say you're licking so hard it hurts, you know you're actually getting somewhere."
And elsewhere: "Before I entered politics, I used to just lick the arses of people I met walking down the street. It comes naturally to me. They don't always thank you for it, but you can invariably tell they enjoy it. Often the look on their face is thanks enough".
An invaluable tome for anyone considering public life in Australia. In all good bookstores.
Friday, September 05, 2003
From time to time I get email intended for you know who. Got this today
dear fuckwit,
i know one of ur lackeys is reading this and not you!
but i must pass on my utter disgust at you for gagging your two
backbenchers on
the question of zionist aggression on the palestinian people.
its things such as this that make people like me , and all my friends and
family, want to work even harder at keeping you out of parliament.
you like everyone in your party since keating are nothing but liberals in
disguise.
YOU WILL NEVER BE PRIME MINISTER
and i will vote greens everytime
all the best
Imagine what the real mccoy gets. Being one of aforesaid lackeys must be depressing.
Wednesday, September 03, 2003
Martin phoned. "Mate, fines sup smar bout fair, nt Rudd cks tup" (You finally say something smart about current affairs, and Kevin Rudd stuffs it up") See Deciphering Martin.
Too right. I wish these guys would get hold of the songsheet.
Hillary's on my tail. I'd better hi-tail it.
Monday, September 01, 2003
I'm going to be rich!
The other day I got this.
Sir,
It is indeed my pleasure to write you this letter, which I believe will be a
surprise to you. I
actually found your email address at the trade and email listings here in
Pretoria, South
Africa.
I work at the Ministry of Minerals and Energy in South Africa and have the
mandate of two
of my senior colleagues to search discreetly and diligently for a foreign
partner that could
assist us concerning a business matter which will be of mutual benefit to all.
We do require your assistance in the transfer of US$8,300,000 (Eight million,
three hundred
thousand, United States Dollars). This fund emanate from over invoiced contract
amount
that was executed for my Ministry by a mining company, which has since gone into
liquidation. Although the actual contract amount was paid to the company, the
over
invoiced amount of US$8,300,000 has since been lying in the Ministry’s escrow
account at
the Reserve Bank of South Africa pending proper proof of claim, We are privy
to this
classified information by virtue of our position in the ministry.
However we are unable to proceed alone with this transaction, because the civil
service
code of conduct laws strictly prohibits us from engaging in private business or
operating any
foreign account, hence my search for a foreigner whose company and account
(business
or private), we can use to transfer the money.
We have file copies of the evidence of award of the original contract in our
possession
and the job completion certificate, while soliciting for a reliable and
committed foreign
partner, that we will use to apply for the payment of the outstanding amount of
US
$8,300,000.
The basis of this transaction is that the assets of the liquidated Mining
company, which won
the contract from my ministry is being acquired by your company and we shall
arrange all
the necessary documentation in conjunction with one of the ex- directors of the
closed
mining company. Acquisition of company is a very common practice here in my
country and
the officials responsible for documentation have been settled on this matter.
Please note that this transaction is 100% risk free and we shall abide strictly
to all the legal
procedures as contained in our laws and international laws in
transferring the fund.
I ask that you keep this communication strictly confidential, as the two senior
officials
involved are very highly placed government functionaries and would not like to
be exposed
.
Please go through this letter carefully and if you are interested in assisting
us, kindly notify
me urgently via my email address, as time is of the essence in this
transaction. Upon your
acceptance to assist us I shall provide you with more detailed information on
procedures
and also negotiate your percentage with you for your assistance.
Thank you and God Bless, as I wait for your urgent response,
My Sincere Regards.
Mr Wilson Makella.
I REPLIED THIS:
Mr Makella,
I am interested in your proposal. Please advise further.
Simon Crean.
THEN I GOT THIS
Dear Simon Crean,
Your response to my proposal has been received and I am indeed glad at your prompt response to my request. I assure you that you will not regret working with me and my colleagues. As we say here in South Africa "our words are our honor".
However as you know the internet is not too secured anymore to disclose the complete details of this transaction. The recent increase in terrorist threat all over the world has made our government to set up internet security survelliance unit, which monitors every communication on the internet. I would therefore request that you email me your confidential phone and fax number so that I can call you or fax to you detail explanation on the process and modalities for us to follow to quickly conclude this transaction within an estimated time frame of two weeks.
Please note that you must keep this transaction very confidential to yourself, as we are still in active Government service. Also note that time is of the essence of this transaction, as payment of foreign contractors will soon be coming to an end this fiscal quarter and our plan is to include you in the schedule of payment for this quarter.
As I said earlier once I have your tel/fax number, I will call you to explain the complete plan to you or if you wish I will give you my telephone number to call me.
I await your prompt response.
My Sincere Regards.
Wilson Makella
AND I SENT THIS
Mr Makella,
My phone number is 61 6277 7744. If I'm not there, ask for Willie.
I am very excited about this proposal and look forward to doing business with you.
Yours sincerely,
Simon
LET'S SEE HOW IT GOES!
Saturday, June 14, 2003
I got this email recently. I'm taking out references to name as perhaps the person is just ... troubled.
Dear Simon Crean
I have stood for Council Elections in THE CITY OF NUNAWADING, VICTORIA, where I got 14% of the votes in the City Of Morack, in the elections that were held prior to the 2003 Nunawading Council elections.
I am known to
Cr Jessie McCallum - Mayor
Cr Peter Allan
I have worked with Steve Bracks on the Taxation Committee before Steve became Premier of Victoria. John Brumby too knows me. I have a Ph D in Economics.
I will provide you a SIGNIFICANT Policy Measure that will substantially improve your approval rating and will DEFINITELY get you into the Lodge.
This Policy will appease majority of Australians. It will fund one of your significant Policy Schemes submitted to the Press. It will provide you with the rope to pull the Australian Public onto the Labour Bandwagon !
Before I release this Policy, I would need a written guarantee from you and from the Labour Party that
a) you will provide me a Position over a 10 year period, as one of your paid Economic Advisors, irrespective of whether you, Simon Crean get into the High Job or not.
b) this position will be based from Sydney
c) with an unconditional paid salary of $120,000 a year TAX FREE (ANY TAX IF PAYABLE, TO BE PAID BY THE LABOUR PARTY) over a 10 year period
d) a non-refundable deposit of $120,000 is placed into my Bank Account, as a pre-payment towards my salary entitlements for the first year of work, this payment to be made before my Policy is released to your Office
e) a public statement is made to let the Australian people know about the contribution made by XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
f) a public statement is made regarding acknowledgement of the contributions that foreign qualified people can make to the job market in Australia, to remove the nasty discrimination we have to face to get into the labour market in Australia.
This has to be an unconditional offer and has to be done through my Solicitor :
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Email : XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Phone : XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ax : XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Simon Crean or anyone from the Labour Party can ring and speak to me on XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX or XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
If you are dead serious Simon Crean about getting into the Lodge, and keeping Kim Beazley at bay, ORGANISE THIS LETTER THROUGH YOUR LEGAL REPRESENTATIVES ASAP.
DON'T TAKE THIS LIGHTLY.
I will come to Canberra after this agreement is signed, on receipt of a return airticket and accommodation vouchers from your Office, to discuss this Policy with you and your Economic advisors.
Please note that I will release my Policy Measure to the Liberal Party if the Labour Party does nothing in response to this offer.
Regards
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
formerly of XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
shifted to :
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
TEL/FAX XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
ALP OFFICE DETAILS :
Email: info@cbr.alp.org.au
Telephone: (02) 6120 0800
Fax: (02) 6120 0801
Centenary House
19 National Circuit
BARTON ACT 2600
Postal Address:
PO Box E1
KINGSTON ACT 2604
Australian Capital Territory
WWW: http://www.act.alp.org.au/
Email: info@act.alp.org.au
Secretary: Matthew Cossey
Australian Labor Party
Australian Capital Territory Branch
Canberra Workers Club
University Avenue
CANBERRA ACT 2601
Postal Address
GPO Box 3065
CANBERRA ACT 2601
Phone - (02) 62474066
Fax - (02) 6247 3865
New South Wales
WWW: http://www.nswalp.com/
Email: office@nswalp.com
General Secretary: Eric Roozendaal
Australian Labor Party
New South Wales Branch
9th Floor
Labor Council Building
377-383 Sussex Street
SYDNEY NSW 2000
Postal Address
PO Box K408
HAYMARKET NSW 2000
Phone - (02) 9207 2000
Monday, December 23, 2002
John Howard Prime Minister sat in the 2UE studios. His headphones were on, the great John Laws opposite was singing the praises of some caryard or other. Howard knew what was to be served up in the near future - it had been pre-arranged - and his stomach rumbled. It was going to be good, he hadn't gorged for a while. He was suffering withdrawal.
The Great Man finished his plug, and was back. "We're with the Prime Minister, John Howard, it's always a pleasure to have you in. Prime Minister, I'd like to ask you ..." Howard's mouth watered. Here it came. Oh, this would be divine. Laws continued .. "a question on immigration." Oh, there it was. Howard sat upright. The saliva was in full flow now, he had to slurp it back in. Oh, it had been too long between drinks. "Mr Howard, we have to be tolerant to migrants, but it's a two way street, isn't it?"
The rush was sublime, but too short as always; it was what he lived for. He grunted, and by now the spittle was flowing out his mouth onto his tie. John Howard didn't notice it. The great Mr Laws had presented a juicy morsel and John Howard jumped on it and devoured it.
"Certainly John, look, you can't cherry pick the Australian way of life, .... "
In a couple of minutes it was over. But the memory lingered. Yes, this was what being Prime Minister was all about.
Thursday, December 19, 2002
"Ken, my old friend" said Prime Minister John Howard. He was reclining with a cigar and glass of scotch. "Have you seen this new book by Keith Windschuttle? It pains me when such things are written, as I have always had a great deal of affection for Aboriginal Australians. But the truth must out. If Windschuttle says there were no atrocities committed by our forefathers, and indeed the only people who behaved shamefully were the blacks, and we have nothing to be sorry for, if anyone does it's them, then who are we to argue?"
Ken, his faithful manservant, began to cry, for he loved this man like a father.
Wednesday, December 18, 2002
John Howard, Prime Minister of Australia, the best country in the world to live in bar none, had the Concise Oxford Dictionary open at page 917. He read the relevant listing out to his faithful manservant Ken. "Racism. Theory that human abilities etc. are determined by race."
"That's all master?" asked Ken, as he polished his master's shoes.
"That's all! I'm off the hook. I have never suggested that human abilities are determined by race. Never. If anyone says I have they are lying. I am not racist."
"No master, you are not racist, you are great" smarmed Ken. He loved the PM so.
John Howard looked out the window at the Australian flag. "We are not racist", he repeated several times. He rang his good friend Bill Heffernan. "Bill, you're not racist." he said and then hung up. He loved this country so.
To be continued .....
Saturday, December 14, 2002
I know Reithy wasn't defence minister in 1999 but call it artistic license.
One day in mid 1999
Prime Minister John Howard threw his glasses down on his desk and turned to his defence minister. "Peter", he said, "I will abide it no longer. The East Timorese have been suffering under the Javanese yoke for nigh on a quarter of a century now. My predecessors shirked this responsibility but I cannot. We shall right this terrible wrong. Get Peter Cosgrove on the phone. He's just the chap for the job."
"Right away Prime Minister" said Reithy. Could this be true? he thought. The plucky embodiment of real decent Aussies was finally going to grasp the Timorese nettle? Peter's blood was rushing as he returned to his office. "Miles", he said, "the PM's going to liberate East Timor". Miles was dumbfounded. "That's just like him", was all he could say.
John Howard looked out the window of his office. His heart was heavy. The Australian flag fluttered atop the House of Representatives. No matter how often he saw it the same lump came to the throat. "Ken", he said to his faithful manservant. "You see that flag over there. That is the reason we will do this thing. God willing, we shall give the noble people of East Timor their freedom. I do this in the knowledge that Australian lives may be lost. Can the people forgive me? I care not, for this is the right thing to do. Let them judge me at the next election, as is their right."
Ken Parish's eyed welled as he rubbed his spittle into those brown shoes. He had known this man for many years, had dedicated his life to serving him. He knew the man's every mood and loved him for his eschewal of spin doctors, opinion polling and media management. John Howard had always said the people had to judge him on his actions. He would never play games with them.
But Ken had never been as proud of John Howard as he was at that moment. The Prime Minister always did what was in the interests of the country without a thought to political repercussions. "Ken", he often said, "I care not how long I am in this job, as long as I can look back with pride at each and every decision I have made. I do it for the people and no-one else."
John Howard had one last thing to say. "I shall be leading the charge, personally, for I cannot ask any soldier to do something I would not. I'm going over there myself. Get me some khakis".
But luckily for Austalia, Ken managed to talk him out of this.
To be continued ....
A walk in the park
It is a smashing day in Melbourne. Just back from the Botanical Gardens where Martin and I and our spouses had a mini picnic. Threw some bread into the pond for the ducks. He's a good mate. "N year' sun" ["Next year's the one", see deciphering Martin] he told me. He usually knows what to say. Next year we consolidate.
Anyway, we were walking back to the carpark, the women in front, Martin and I bringing up the rear. Nubile young female joggers are eliciting the usual Martin response "Mate, 'd ke to ver blood ood ving" [Mate, I'd like to give her a bloody good serving], "Vthat na ving" ["I'd give that one a serving'] when one of them tspies us and trots over.
"Mr Crean, can I have a word?" asked she, jogging on the spot. I must admit she was a sight to behold. Sure, I said, and put out my hand which she took and shook. "Call me Simon". "Ok, Simon, why don't you want to protect our country? Why do you prefer Indonesians to Australians? We know that John Howard will protect us, why won't you? John Howard liberated East Timor, he'll keep Australia free." And so on (I'm paraphrasing from memory.) It was a hard one. I tried explaining to her that with East Timor we actually led a United Nations peace-keeping force with the permission of the Indonesian government, but she said that's not the way she remembers it. "John Howard said enough was enough with the injustices the Indonesian Muslims were inflicting on the East Timorese and he intervened. John Howard will always right a wrong when he sees it. He protects us" With that she turned and off she went.
I asked Martin what he thought, but by his answer it was obvious he hadn't heard a word she said. It's a difficult trail ahead.
Another dream
I'll write this down before I forget it. Dream last night: I'm on a plane with Kim Beazley, we're flying to Baghdad of all places, where we're both giving a talk on world security or some such. Kim's really into this stuff, while I've just got a speech to read from. Kim's telling me he might wing it on the podium, just go extemporaneous. Just the thought makes my guts churn. Then I notice the plane door has been left open and I'm being sucked outside. I yell for help, but Kim has turned into John Howard and he's shaking his head, saying I jolly well got myself into this mess and I could jolly well get myself out. Then it's Carmen in the plane with me, and she's wagging her finger at me as if to say 'I told you so'.
My speech notes fly out the door, so I'm buggered anyway. I look up and Kim, Carmen and Howard are having a beer and a laugh. They all turn and laugh at me. Then I woke up.
Brrrr.
Friday, December 13, 2002
!
I've been called gutless. Made no friends here either.
Monday, December 09, 2002
There are two types of Carmens .. sorry, people .... in this world, those who ... hang on, where was I? .. yes, those who are Carmen Lawrence and those that aren't. Actually, there are two types of Carmens in this world: one is an opera often nominated by people who don't really care much for opera as their favourite, but pooh-poohed somewhat by the operati. There's a good line to be done with that I'm sure, and I will in a later blog.
The other is, of course, Carmen who is on my backbench.
That's all I'll say on the matter at this stage.
Pavlov's Dog
Pavlov would have loved John Howard. Pavlov was the bloke with the dog who salivated in anticipation of food when he rang a bell.
Have you noticed our PM literally salivates when certain buttons are pressed in radio interviews? For example, John Laws would be only half way through a question on immigration and you can hear a grunt and slurp, Howard's heart rate's gone up, he's excited, it's this stuff that really makes the job. Sometimes these interviews are videoed for the nightly news, and you can see him springing upright. With the juices flowing, he's off: "Yes John, it's a two way street, you can't cherry pick the Australian way of life [slurp]..."
Always good to see someone enjoying their job.
Angry White Males
Further on the Angry White Males thing. Carmen's got the wrong end of the stick, it's not the opinion polls that keep us a pale imitation of the Howard government, it's that the heavy hitters in the party are all angry blokes who think John Howard's got it pretty well right.
Take Mark, the Angriest White Male. His parliamentary excoriations of right wing columnists, plus Tony Abbott and last week Helen Coonan, are a useful way to let off steam, but the real source of his anger is that he hates the government because they're Liberals but can't think of anything substantial on which he disagrees with them. It's the chardonnay left he really detests; they're the ones stopping him from out-Howarding the government. He'd relish the brief of castigating Howard for being soft on refugees, blacks and the middle class unemployed.
My good friend Martin and his brother Laurie are, as I've said before, in the Hanson corner of the party. Martin hates boat people, really hates them, "mate, run-Strayn" ("Mate, they're un-Australian", see deciphering Martin) he's been heard to explain on more than one occasion.
The brothers would like a less liberal economic approach, but just between us they love Howard's social view of the country. A female deputy leader notwithstanding, the ALP is more blokey than ever. These are the guys that have risen to the top of the Australian Labor Party.
So once again, if you think I'm bad, wheover follows me will be much much worse.
Carmen, we're all Howardites now.
Friday, December 06, 2002
Alan and Mark, you see, are both members of a think tank called the Whitlam Institute. They colluded to oust the Chairman Peter Botsman a couple of months ago, so they've got form.
So they see each other from time to time, presumably have each other's emails and so on. It would be beyond belief to imagine that my name never came up, or that Alan wouldn't be egging Mark to have a go.
Carmen's got a point. The Federal Labor Party is now run by Angry White Males. My dear friend Martin, God bless him, is a fine example.
What's a chap to do? Roll on Chrissie.
The question for you Carmen is: if you cut me down, who will follow? You can get an idea from today's Alan Ramsey two pronged pre-emptive strike. The main column is choc-full, as is Alan's wont, of slabs of dialogue - yours this time from your dummy spit. Alan's final words: "She is talking about leadership, of course. Goodbye, Simon Crean."
Then, the bottom bar again sings the praises of, guess who, Mark.
Carmen, if you think I'm a gutless capitulator to the shrivelled John Howard vision of Australia, Mark would be an enthusiast. It's fair to say his approach to boat people would be to turn up and personally give each of them a knuckle sandwich, plus a crash tackle for good measure, and then toss in the clanger in the desert and throw away the key. He'd think that was being a soft touch, and on that, if not much else, he'd get agreement from the Ferguson boys.
If I go, whatever follows will surely be much, much worse, you foolish foolish woman.
Wednesday, December 04, 2002
Another most unpleasant dream. This time Carmen's quitting the front bench at about the worst time possible, having a general spray at me and the party on the way out.
It seemed so real.
Monday, December 02, 2002
If you thought I was unimpressive last night on 7:30 Report, just put yourself in my shoes. It's been a hellish year, especially the last month or so. My confidence is so shot that I knew I sounded lame even while I was answering Kerry's questions. Surely you've been there; you suspect that all your critics are right. I know I'm not as impressive at all this stuff as Kim Beazley, but look where that got him.
After a Xmas break with family, hopefully I'll return renourished, confident and on top of things. Not long till year's end now.
Friday, November 29, 2002
Today is Bracksday. Bracksie's wanted nothing to do with me over the last month. If you suspect I'm a little hurt, you're right. I'm only human. If you cut me, do I not bleed?
John Howard gets to go in and urge this that and the other. I hope a seat or two goes Green, I really do. I voted Green. Don't tell Martin though, for God's sake. Martin hates the Greens and all the "un-strayn nkers" [un-Australian wankers, see deciphering Martin] who vote for them.
I haven't swum for a few days and feeling it. That flat feeling. I take my mind off things by thinking about and planning Xmas.
Ta ta.
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
I mean it, below is a real email I received. It's a good sentiment.
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
A reader writes:
"How long are you going to fiddle while Australia burns? Howard is leading us into the jaws of Hell and the Labour Party is guilty of compliance by not taking any stand on any issue.You simply appear to be playing follow the leader,as did Beazley in the last election and you will never get anywhere if that impression prevails in the electorate. The detainees, war with Iraq, Asian involvement are all issues on which you appear to have no stand .Part of the greatness of the Labour Party in the past came from it having the guts to fight for what it believed in, regardless of the political cost. All this appears to have gone.The complacency in the electorate over the possibility of war must be shaken, if you believe it to be wrong then shout it from the rooftops.
You are the LEADER OF THE OPPOSITION, stop looking like the caretaker!"
All fair points, but easier said than done, I'm afraid. Mark would deck me if I got soft on refugees, for one. Martin wouldn't speak to me again.
Friday, November 22, 2002
Anniversary of my ascension yesterday. Gave a speech to the Fabian Society - tried to make it fiery, but I'm feeling flat. Still out of sorts from events of earlier in the week. It's been a hard one.
It has been said by more than a few that part of the problem - my inability to inspire the masses - is that I hang around with Martin too much, that we're "too close". Well, we are close. And Martin certainly is a constraining influence on me. As I've said before, he's in the Hanson corner of the party, like her he's of the view the ALP lost the plot after Arthur ("Two wongs don't make a white") Calwell. He hates Whitlam, just hates him.
Martin's instinctive response to the Fred Nile thing was to grab and run with it as party policy. "Mate, mshea s unStrayn" (Mate, them Shealas are unAustralian", see deciphering Martin), he said on the phone. The shealas in question being, of course, Islamic women in full dress. It's difficult to vigorously attack John Howard for simply having prejudices your best friend shares. And because I can see where Martin's coming from, I understand Howard too.
People say Howard hasn't grown into the job, but that's not really so. Take his attitude to blacks. Recall his first overseas trip as Prime Minister, a Pacific Islands conference where he refused the ceremonial kava and asked instead for a cup of tea, and then spent the social time talking to the Australian boat skipper about cricket while the others, including New Zealand PM Bolger, mixed, talked and sipped kava.
He wouldn't do that today.Today he often entertains black people from various parts of the globe: he touches them, laughs with them, has dinner with them. He has evolved, to be sure. I mean, it is progress, isn't it?
Martin, on the other hand, wouldn't entertain a group of black people if you paid him. Maybe he's not the right person to be close with. Perhaps it's time I discarded old friendships that keep me from moving forward.
Perhaps indeed. Bye for now.
Wednesday, November 20, 2002
I've been busy lately, you understand. Also not inclined to put my thoughts down. I no longer believe Mark is the leaker. I feel a little bad about suggesting he was. I'll get back to you later.
Friday, November 15, 2002
I agree with Alan that Howard will retire next year. After overtaking Malcolm Fraser next July he knows that to beat Hawkie would require another election win. Howard knows, because he talks to psephologist Malcolm Mackerras, that he doesn't have another win in him.
But where does he get it? Mark of Werriwa, that's who.
Alan Ramsey's giving me less than six months to live. Where does he get this stuff? I mean, really, it's total nonsense. I wouldn't bother reading it.
Sunday, November 10, 2002
Michael Danby's been talking to Glenn Milne. It's kind of a proxy war between Glenn and Alan Ramsey.
Friday, November 08, 2002
Alan Ramsey probably gets about five bucks a word. In today's Sydney Morning Herald his bottom bar ended with this
Finally, a pun to end all puns. Remember, the white rabbit story a few months back from press gallery colleague Geoff Barker? His latest email will mean nothing to anyone ignorant of the Andrews sisters' rousing 1940s hit, Ragtime Cowboy Joe. But if not, then sit back and savour.
Interpol was looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the Israeli city of Haifa. The suspect, a former flautist and occasional farmer, was described as the son of a Spanish ex-nun and a German salesman. In other words, a "Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time ploughboy, Joe".
A great line to end the week.
Alan shouldn't do jokes, Comrades. And a man with no sense of humour is not one whose political analysis you should take seriously.
I have an embarrassment of talent on my frontbench. I also have a Queenslander called Craig Emerson. Most of them seem to want my job. Alan wants to give it to Mark. His Wednesday and Saturday full frontal assaults won't stop until his will is done.
But I am strong. Mark, while providing colourful copy for the gallery, would be a disaster for the party. And Labor never, ever knifes a leader without giving him one election. Even the Libs don't generally do that, unless your name is Alexander Downer.
Which, of course, mine isn't.
It's been a busy week. I'll bring you all up to date later.
Sunday, November 03, 2002
The sleeping pill knocked me out but didn't stop the dreams. Had another nasty one last night. I'm in a big shopping centre. I'm feeling uncomfortable as those things always give me the willies anyway. Carmen and Martin are there. Carmen is talking to several people and they're having a great time, laughing and joking. Martin and I are just kind of hanging around, not knowing what to do. I go up to Carmen's group and try to talk, but I can't. Then they're all laughing at me, I pretend to laugh too to join in, but they just laugh some more and I try to talk but I can't. I turn around to look for Martin and he's just looking like a dork, no use at all. Now my mouth won't open at all and everyone's laughing at me.
I screamed and woke up.
Another nightmare from last night I've just remembered. It was most unpleasant. I was being chased by Alan Ramsey. He had a big fat rolled up copy of the Saturday Sydney Morning Herald and was obviously intending to inflict harm on my head with it. I'm having trouble getting away - my legs are dragging. Then Mark Latham appears in front of me. At first I'm relieved to see him, but then he too has something in his hand and it's also a big big SMH and he proceeds to belt me around the head and body with it.
I fell down and tried to get up, mindful that Mark might start using his boots. Then I woke up.
I'll take a sleeping pill tonight. Good night.
Saturday, November 02, 2002
Slept poorly last night. An awful dream: I'm running after Carmen for some reason and I just can't get going. I really need to catch her but my legs won't do it for me. I woke up in a sweat.
Consequently I'm feeling out of sorts today.
I phoned Martin just after lunch. He said he doesn't see what all the fuss is about the ASIO raids as the people are "un-Strayn" ["un-Australian" see deciphering Martin) anyway.
You really shouldn't judge Martin. As I've said before it's all about being a true Labor man to him.
I wrote this before, but can't get the archive to work:
In the NSW Bearpit in the early eighties, two men commanded universal respect. One was a Country Party bloke who's name escapes me. I say "Country Party" because he left the party when it became the National Party. The other was Jack Ferguson, Nifty's deputy from the Left, who died last month.
Both these people were admired for the sincerity with which they held their beliefs and the courtesy they showed others. They were seen to have Integrity with a big I.
Jack's sons are, of course, my good friend Martin and his brother Laurie. They too yearn for a golden age when Labor boasted the cream of the working class etc.
I bring all this up because it helps to explain Martin's attitude to things like immigration and Aborigines. He's often said to me that the " .. gest stake yever dwas ting dof Tstray lis" [The biggest mistake we ever made was getting rid of White Australia Policy]
You may call this racism, but to him it is just upholding the values dear to his father and "real" Labor. It also explains his fascination with Pauline Hanson. When she was an MP, and Martin from time to time said things like "Mate, 'd ke to ver blood ood ving" [Mate, I'd like to give her a bloody good serving], it was not just physical: it was a meeting of minds.
As I've said before, I love him like a brother, but he's a worry sometimes.
Don't judge him too harshly, though.
Thursday, October 31, 2002
Dennis ("oh yes, yes, yes Prime Minister!") Shanahan is at it again.
Let me quote:
The popularity of John Howard means more people are now prepared to see him as the man who acts out the national story, the leader prepared to say what is the national spirit – "tough as tungsten" – and the man who can put an arm around a grieving relative or be bear-hugged by one. It is a side of Howard that has not been appreciated, although it has been present for years.
.... Howard has been publicly hugging for a long time – there was the doctor who lead the treatment of the victims of the Port Arthur massacre, US Secretary of State Colin Powell and the US ambassador to Australia on September 11, Tom Schieffer and, of course, the families of the Bali bombing victims
Someone's got a little crushy-wushy and wants a huggy-wuggy.
Alan's been quiet lately. Perhaps Mark told him to hold his fire for a while. Or maybe he's preparing the mother of all assaults.
Just between us, dear Diary, I hope Bracksie comes a cropper this November/December. That clown Doyle would make a hopeless Premier, and come the next election a hopeless Liberal Premier would be nice to have around. If we can nobble Bob Carr next March that would be even better.
My mate Martin, who I'm sure I've told you about, is a very good mate indeed. He and his brother Laurie don't look anything alike at all. This is something that you never ever mention when around the Ferguson family.
Martin would never knife me. I think Mark might one day. And Carmen, although never mentioned in those lists of leaders in waiting so favoured by journalists, is just itching to do it. I'm watching you Carmen.
Sunday, October 27, 2002
KONFRONTASI II
This fell off the back of a truck:
LIBERAL PARTY MEMO
Date: October 28 2002
Priority: Medium
TO: All Coalition parliamentarians
CC: Lynton Crosby
FROM: John Howard, Prime Minister and Parliamentary Leader
SUBJECT:Indonesia and the next election.
MESSAGE:
Colleagues, let me begin by congratulating you all on the government's continued dominance in parliament, the community and opinion polls. It is a team effort and the contributions of each and every one of you is always appreciated.
I would now like to turn to the next election. Whilst in all probability still two years away, we must always be planning.
The Bali bombings, though tragic, open up new opportunities. You may have noticed my strong language against President Megawati Sukarnoputri over the weekend in Mexico. It is to this point that I now turn.
Our current plan for the next election is an extension of that which worked so well last year: this time a "crisis" in relations with Indonesia. The crisis need not be overly damaging in the long term, but should be short, sharp and scary.
The advantages of this approach are obvious. For a start it can be easily manufactured.
Pressure points I could then insert into the heated atmosphere might be "our way of life", "values", "civilised society" and of course "East Timor". Voters can join the dots, but for those who can't, Peter Slipper and Bill Heffernan will ram the point home - reference perhaps to "200 million invading Muslims", "Australia is not Asian", "Crean prefers darkies" and so on.
Once again we'll peel real Australians off the elites, and to this end we can happily expect strong denounciation from Dick Woolcott, Malcolm Fraser et al.
The Labor Party can also reliably be expected to tie itself in knots.
Main journalistic channels will be Piers Akerman, Andrew Bolt, Alan Ramsey, Dennis Shanahan and Brian Toohey.
Your input is always appreciated. We remain open and flexible. Senator Heffernan, Foreign Minister Downer and I are in charge of detail; first point of contact should be Senator Heffernan.
In the meantime, continue your good work and enjoy the ride.
Many thanks
Ends
As I've said before, I don't expect Glenn Milne to do anything other than write what's in the interests of the Coalition.
But I still don't enjoy seeing stuff like this.
Catchyas. I'll post further later.
No swims on Sunday. Had a pleasant one. Very pleasant.
Night night.
Friday, October 25, 2002
Saturday is Big Swim day. I sleep in a little to about seven, laze around for about half an hour, and then off to the pool for a longer, more leisurely but no less exhausting swim. This morning I got 63 slow laps in. A glorious, comforting warmth that seeps into every muscle.
I don't even open the paper until after I'm back and showered with the coffee, orange juice and - that other Saturday treat in these trimmer days - croissant with butter and jam. With wife and kids, just like a normal person.
This morning I started on the Age, then the Australian, then the SMH. Great news there, see memo below. Then it was the Hun and, to see how the other half lives, the Sydney Tele.
The troops have been good this week. Cookie was great. Mark and Albo on Lateline on Monday as well. The NSW branch needs federal intervention, that's for sure; they are not supplying talent anymore but bitch and moan because they're not in the leadership team.
Shaun Carney was tough but fair this morning, although much too harsh on Sharon Bird in Cunningham. People I met in the 'Gong thought she was quite a good candidate but didn't like the manner in which she was imposed.
You all have a good weekend now. Don't worry about Tuesday's Newspoll .
ANOTHER MEMO
Date: October 26 2002
Priority: High
TO: Federal Labor Caucus
CC: Secretariat
FROM: Simon Crean, Leader of the Opposition
SUBJECT:Today's Sydney Morning Herald - Alan Ramsey column.
MESSAGE:
Further to Thursday's memo, by now you all would have read Alan Ramsey's column in today's Saturday Herald.
This is a wonderful result, of which each and every one of you can be proud. The idea, given Alan's propensity to ponder on world affairs, was a masterstroke; for the execution we can give special thanks to Michael Danby and Janice Crosio.
But this was very much a group effort, which goes to show what we can achieve if we pull together. Not only was our main aim - steering Alan's main column away from delicate matters - achieved with this Israel distraction, we got the added bonus of a GG story in the bottom panel.
Great stuff everyone. Enjoy your weekends.
Thanks again.
Ends
Thursday, October 24, 2002
Dennis Shanahan is getting his nose all dripping wet again.
Wednesday, October 23, 2002
ANOTHER MEMO
Date: October 24 2002
Priority: High
TO: Federal Labor Caucus
CC: Secretariat
FROM: Simon Crean, Leader of the Opposition
SUBJECT: Saturday's Sydney Morning Herald - Alan Ramsey column.
MESSAGE:
Let me start by thanking everyone for their co-operation with the instructions of the memo of Tuesday 22nd October. I understand it may have seemed draconian, but the steps taken were appropriate in the circumstances.
The Cunningham by-election result was a setback, there's no getting away from it. But we must move forward and regroup to face the real enemy - Alan Ramsey.
I want us to anticipate, run interference and minimise any damage from the upcoming Saturday's column.
Everyone put their thinking caps on. Ideally we would like to send him on a trip down memory lane, but not to anything on which parallels with my leadership could be drawn.
If you've got something in the bottom draw, now's the time to pull it out. John Faulkner and my offices will be co-ordinating. Any correspondence with Alan will be through John.
Note, the instructions of Monday October 21 not to communicate with Alan in any form whatsover still stand.
Thanks again all for your co-operation and support.
Remember, that which doesn't kill us makes us strong.
Ends
My gran used to say 'these things are sent to try us'.
Tuesday, October 22, 2002
Mark must think I'm silly. I know he's Alan's candidate. Alan's out of context reference to "One Crean defender, NSW's Mark Latham" just laid it on too thick.
They're plotting together. Don't the fools know that we'll just destroy each other and leave Carmen to pick up the pieces?
Yes, there it is. It's even worse than I thought.
He's inciting political violence, yay, murder.
If you need me I'll be in the pool. All day.
Tough Love
The thing about Alan Ramsey is - unlike Dennis Shanahan and Glenn Milne over at the Australian, who basically see it as their role to facilitate the continuation of Coalition rule - Alan's often violent and painful excoriations are a form of tough love.
I suspect Alan would like to see the Labor Party performing at its peak and taking the fight up to the Tories. Unlike some, he has the best interests of this great party at heart.
I just wish he'd back off abit.
Still, he just gets warmer and warmer with Howard, and his absolutism on mandatory detention is a bit of a worry. I think Alan is suffering from that hoary affliction, conservatism in old age.
Have I mentioned I'm not looking forward to tomorrow's column?
ANOTHER MEMO
Date: October 22 2002
Priority: High
TO: Federal Labor Caucus
CC: Secretariat
FROM: Simon Crean, Leader of the Opposition
SUBJECT: Wednesday's Sydney Morning Herald and Alan Ramsey column.
MESSAGE:
Labor MPs and staff are requested to carefully comply with the following instructions.
Under no circumstances is anyone to open tomorrow, Wednesday October 23's, Sydney Morning Herald until a member of my staff has opened and dealt with it.
When the morning papers arrive at your office, you are to put the Sydney Morning Herald on the floor near the front door. You are not to open it. A member of my staff will come to your office and cut out the Alan Ramsey column from the opinion page. They will then return the paper to you and you may then open and read it.
We shall also be monitering online f2 access from Labor MP's office.
I trust you understand why this is necessary. In these trying times unusual actions must be taken.
None of us enjoys this.
Hopefully my staff will get to all of you before 10am tomorrow.
Sorry for the inconvenience.
Ends
Monday, October 21, 2002
It's Carmen I'm worried about. I know she still aspires, and there's no doubting her rhetorical skills.
People say we're too Melbourne-centric, but having Alan Ramsey banging away twice a week to Sydney's mochiata-slurpers doesn't do us much good in Sidders.
He's going to have a go at me tomorrow, I just know it.
But don't you smirk Carmen! You'd fare even worse.
MEMO
TO: Federal Labor Caucus
CC: Secretariat
FROM: Simon Crean, Leader of the Opposition
SUBJECT: Alan Ramsey and speech analysts
MESSAGE:
Labor MPs are instructed not to talk to Sydney Morning Herald journalist Alan Ramsey this week. Repeat, do not.
I do not want to see any unsourced quotation marks in his column, either on Wednesday or Saturday, that have come from Labor members.
To this end we have hired speech analysts. Culprits will be identified from written transcript of their words and punished severely.
This message applies especially to NSW members, who should, with their colleagues in Sussex Street, be sharing more of the blame for last Saturday's debacle.
Ends
Sunday, October 20, 2002
Cunningham, oh Cunningham. What hast thou done? What did I do to you?
Those bastards in Sussex St did this on purpose. God they're hopeless.
I phoned Martin for a little reinforcement. He assured me "they'll fta threwm tug t" [they'll have to get through me to get to you". See deciphering Martin.] He's a good mate. The best.
63 laps today. You know, when you're under the water and your arms are starting to hurt and you break the pain barrier it's just you, your body and the pool. Nothing else matters. I like that. Sooner or later, however, you have to get out.
Certainly not looking forward to Alan Ramsey's Wednesday column in SMH. Oh, it'll be rough.
Which Steve Martin film best describes boof-head, aka former MP Steve Martin? Not "The Man with Two Brains" that's for sure. "Dirty Rotten Scoundrels". Yes. "The Jerk", for sure.
Catchyas. I'm off to the pool and will hopefully stay underwater all day.
The Merc was right. My future is on the line. I'd like to disappear for a few months.
Friday, October 18, 2002
My future is on the line, says Illawarra Mercury. Where's Stuart Littlemore when you need him?
D-Day. Knot in stomach.
See young Lauchie at the Andrew Olle speech thingee last night? The lad had a point to make about uppity broadsheets and the ABC, which is worth making, but he should have availed himself of a ruthless editor or studied the opinion page of his own broadsheet, The Oz.
Short, sweet and pungent makes for good message, especially one uncomplicated, like Lauchie's. But the boy droned on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.
Martin just phoned. "Mate, re fucked nCun ham" (see deciphering Martin)
Thanks for the vote of confidence, me old mate. But I fear his words are true.
Thursday, October 17, 2002
More on the "story" of the US expressing an interest in Cunningham.
Martin says Cunningham tomorrow will be a contest "tween real strayns n un-strayn nkers"" [between real Australians and un-Australian wankers, see Deciphering Martin ]
The un-Australian wankers are, of course, Greens voters. Martin loathes them with a passion, no less so because they reside disproportionately in his own electorate of Batman.
Now this story in the Merc has a new poll showing us losing closely the Greens tomorrow.
De facto Lib Moulds has overtaken Wilson as the third biggest vote getter. This is a silver lining, as his voters (despite his how to vote card) are probably more likely to preference us than Wilson's would be.
Confused? Don't be, just be afraid very afraid, like me.
On a more existential note: just what am I doing here in Bali? Am I of any use to anyone?
Greetings from an internet cafe in Sanur Beach, Bali. Much more my style than tacky Kuta.
I'll be back for Cunningham on Saturday. I'm very very worried about it, actually. Alan Ramsey will be gunning for me if we go down, and when Alan's on to you he's like a dog with a bone, week in week out.
He's ever so kind to the PM these days. I put it down to creeping conservatism in old age and a meeting of minds.
Yanquis interested in Cunningham, according to that great paper of record, the Illawarra Mercury.
Monday, October 14, 2002
Dear Diary,
This may sound callous, but things are now looking better for us this Saturday in Cunningham. I'm really, really glad the Liberals aren't running.
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Mark's still in Cunningham, making sure they behave.
He wanted our byelection slogan to be "We decide to comes into the Illawarra, and the circumstances in which they come". Nice ring, but we decided against it.
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
In the NSW Bearpit in the early eighties, two men commanded universal respect. One was a Country Party bloke who's name escapes me. I say "Country Party" because he left the party when it became the National Party. The other was Jack Ferguson, Nifty's deputy from the Left, who died last month.
Both these people were admired for the sincerity with which they held their beliefs and the courtesy they showed others. They were seen to have Integrity with a big I.
Jack's sons are, of course, my good friend Martin and his brother Laurie. They too yearn for a golden age when Labor boasted the cream of the working class etc.
I bring all this up because it helps to explain Martin's attitude to things like immigration and Aborigines. He's often said to me that the " .. gest stake yever dwas ting dof Tstray lis" [The biggest mistake we ever made was getting rid of White Australia Policy- see Deciphering Martin]
You may call this racism, but to him it is just upholding the values dear to his father and "real" Labor. It also explains his fascination with Pauline Hanson. When she was an MP, and Martin from time to time said things like "Mate, 'd ke to ver blood ood ving" [Mate, I'd like to give her a bloody good serving], it was not just physical: it was a meeting of minds.
As I've said before, I love him like a brother, but he's a worry sometimes.
Don't judge him too harshly, though.
Ok, off to do those laps. You should try it, it gets the oxygen to the brain.
Everybody knows what's best for me. Ms Hewett in the SMH, for one.
Ever been to Wollongong? This week with Bob and Mark, walked through the mall. Scrawny undesirables hanging around the public phones, scratching their pocky skin. Mark hates junkies, really hates them, wanted to go over and have a word. We restrained him.
The place to reveal to the world our crusade against crime. (Nothing to do with the federal government, but who cares?)
Martin says Laurie Brereton's un-strayn ("un-Australian" See deciphering Martin.)
I'm pretty dark on him myself. As, I imagine, are the opinion page editors in the Sydney Morning Herald and the Fin Review. Running the same column in both is verboten.
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
I must say I'm rather annoyed with our fourth estate. We did this conference for them and them only. This was to create a Whitlam-like momentum towards victory.
Now, instead of tales of my heroism against the forces of inertia the general theme is that I almost got rolled and it doesn't mean much anyway.
Did 57 laps today. Wanted to stop at 53 but pushed myself.
Monday, October 07, 2002
Martin just phoned. Reckoned he'd come up with a solution to mandatory detention. "Shoot morl, un-strayn stards" [Shoot them all, the un-Australian bastards] (see deciphering Martin) he said, before dissolving into fits of laughter and hanging up.
Not sure if he was referring to the refugees or ALP members who were advocating a less tough approach. I think both - that was part of the joke.
He is a character.
Factions
Our factions are pathetic parodies of their former selves.
There are three Lefts.
We have the Hanson-Left, who hate economic and social liberalism and yearn for the ALP of Cocky Calwell. My good friend Martin and his brother Laurie are leading lights.
Then there is the chardonnay Left - enough said. (Well, just one more word - Carmen.)
And the sensible Left - Lindsay Tanner.
And then there's the once mighty NSW Right! A versatile punchline for any joke you can think of.
I'm sending Mark into Cunningham. That'll teach 'em to consider straying from the path.
It's official: Greens and Independent Peter Wilson are swapping preferences.
Ooooh, I'm really scared. As that bloke at the Parliament House Library has shown, Green how to vote cards make bugger all difference to how their voters number their ballot papers.
I am a little scared, actually, about that Peter Wilson fellow's preferences, as his voters are more likely to follow the card.
It's a little scarey, yes.
I'm lying in bed with my lappy watching Lateline: Wayne Swan and Barry Jones rabbiting on about what rules were and weren't passed.
I'm reminded of a decade ago, the the 1993 election. Our last taste of the elixir.
Barry Jones, ALP Prez at the time, made a very underated contribution to that campaign. Voters lumped Keating and Hewson together as the same unabidable cold economic fish, and Barry provided a human point of differentiation.
His noggin on ads saying: "you won't ever hear John Hewson talk about anything other than money" went down a treat.
Actually, Barry's electoral appeal during the Hawke-Keating years was always underappreciated. The blue-rinsers watching ' The Midday Show' adored him. As did many in the populace at large. He was human, and a rarity in Australian public life, an intellectual the punters felt affection for.
Machine Men like Chris Shacht hated him; we knifed Jones of course, and haven't looked back since. With these troubling thoughts I bid you ...
Night night.
PS. Martin can't stand him, so keep this to yourself.
Time for beddy byes. I feel good about the weekend despite the unfriendly press treatment.
I managed to nobble Glenn Milne on that agreement on refugees by stirring the old News v Fairfax rivalry. Often worth a try, though not too often. But he was still less than enthusiastic.
I give today's press coverage 3/10.
I didn't get a swim in today. This may account for the flatness. Ok, time for an early night; the future begins tomorrow.
Catchyas.
Sunday, October 06, 2002
I wonder what Carmen's doing today? Is it a public holiday in Perth? That's the trouble with this bloody country, you can't keep tabs on people when they're on the other side of it.
Martin tells me to 'watch t unstrayn .. tch, safter job' [watch that un-Australian woman, she's after your job] (see deciphering Martin)
But caucus wouldn't be so silly.
Would they?
The count is in: Howard to go
I, however, can count, and just did a few sums. Malcolm Fraser was Prime Minister from November 11 1975 to March 5 1983, which is seven years and four months, give or take.
Bob Hawke, from March 1983 to December 1991. That is eight years and nine months.
John Howard was elected March 1996. If he wants to beat Mal he'll have to stay 'til July 2003. That is, until his sixty-fourth birthday (26 July), when he's said he'll think about it. Coincidence? I don't think so.
To beat Hawkie, he'd need to hang in for another year and a half. That is, he'd have to contest the next election. This would make him the second longest serving PM ever.
The somewhat eccentric psephologist Malcolm Mackerras is quite friendly with the PM. When Howard had the jitters during the '96 campaign Mackerras calmed him down, assuring him he'd win by at least 30 seats.
I ran into Mackerras in a newsagency a few weeks ago and he loudly informed me me that he has told Howard in no uncertain terms that there is no way he can win another election.
This is why John Howard will put logic before ego and retire next year.
Looks like it's me versus The Smirk again!
Typical Sydney-centric column in The Australian today. This one by Michael Duffy. He thinks we need to capture - you guessed it - the aspirational voters in Sydney's west.
As a political analyst Duffy makes an excellent book publisher. For one thing he gets the name of Jackie Kelly's seat wrong. For another he thinks elections are decided in Sydney's west. That is, he can't count.
Still, I always appreciate advice from conservative commentators because I know they really do have the best interests of the Labor Party at heart.
A small preference kerfuffle in Cunningham. Less than two weeks to go now.
I needed this like a hole in the head. Boofhead Steve Martin apparently called me, sotto voce, a 'little c*nt' at his press conference a month ago.
Geez, I'd like to clean his boofheady clock ....
Mustn't let these things overcome me. Conference behind me, it's all go go go from now on.
There's a film that I've never seen called "Weekend at Bernies" where these two guys cart around a dead body all weekend pretending he's alive.
Boy, am I glad no-one came up with that one in anticipation of last weekend!
That unreconstructed old Keynesian hippy John Quiggin
Which is nice.
The conference was a ripping success, I reckon. And I got my 43 laps in at lunchtime.
Saturday, October 05, 2002
Did you see me on Insiders today? Fire in the Belly, was what you saw. Onwards & upwards.
And when I want your advice I'll ask for it, Alan Ramsey.
Off for 60 laps. Catchya.
My good friend Martin is, as you know, a leading light in the Victorian (non-tomato) left faction. But this is just an accident of history.
Martin once confided to me that "much vwot Hans sheel s sense" (Much of what Pauline Hanson says makes sense) (see deciphering Martin). I love him like a brother, but he's a worry sometimes.
Fire in the Belly
Got 50:50 through, 121 votes to 169. Oh well, that's done.
The other day in the Qantas Club lounge I ran into a high profile pollster and we had a drink and chatted about this and that. About me, mainly.
He reckons that the punters aren't particularly enamoured of John Howard, but there ain't nothing else on offer. They a suspect I agree with him on most things anyway, that I'm a linear, unimaginative little shit with narrow life experience - just like Howard - and so why go for pale imitations.
This pollster also said that the voters are desperately, hungrily crying out for something - someone - else, but it ain't there. They want someone with, and these are his words, "fire in the belly", to lay into the current government and its agenda, to spell out to them what they in their heart of hearts suspect: that this is the most miserable and mean-spirited group of cads, bounders and pick-pockets that's been foisted on an unsuspecting people in many a generation.
I do, indeed, lack that fire. Mark Latham does not, but he really does agree with John Howard on everything. (At least I still like unions.)
Oh, and what about Carmen? I hear you say. She at least could passionately elucidate an alternative view of the world.
Hmmf. As if the party would toss me for her! I mean, really.
Thursday, October 03, 2002
Martin just phoned. We're catching the plane up to Canberra together tonight. He's been good, fortifying me to stick it to those "un-strayn nkers" [un-Australian wankers] (see Deciphering Martin) who would water down our border protection policy.
He reminds me that those people in the camps are themselves "un-strayn" - a proposition against which it is not possible to argue.
My chances of getting the 60:40 rule changed to 50:50 are, I reckon, much better than even. Probably 90:10. Wish me luck anyway.
The Australian's Dennis ("oh, please may I moisten my nose in your posterior, Mr Prime Minister") Shanahan has a huge swipe at me today, saying that according to Newspoll, I'm the worst performing opposition leader since ... forever.
I shall not let these things get me down, for tomorrow I will conquer all before me.
Big rules shit-fight in Canberra tomorrow. I'm actually feeling good about it. I'm going to give it to those bastards, drag the trogs into the real world. You just watch me, I'll have fire in my belly. And I'm talking to you, Roozo!
Wednesday, October 02, 2002
Martin says we should bomb the crap out of Iraq because "they're un-strayn" (un-Australian). (see Deciphering Martin) Carmen wants to adopt them all. Woe is me.
Boofhead continues to give me a headache in Cunningham.
As I write, my esteemed foreign affairs spokesman is at it again, on "Australia Talks Back", an ABC talkshow. Ruddy would do anything to get his noggin/voice on air.
Tuesday, October 01, 2002
Wed 1:28pm (Melbourne time). Back from pool. Did 46 laps. Swimming always exhilarates but on the way back I was overcome, not for the first time, by a spiritual numbness. Nay, an interminable flatness, not unlike this city.
Deciphering Martin
I rang Martin last night. Martin is one of my best mates. The thing about Martin is that, when speaking, he leaves out every second syllable. It's not as bad as it sounds, because if you ask him to repeat, there's a 50% chance that he'll leave out the other syllables the second time around.
For instance, last night's conversation started like this:
Me: G'day Martin
Martin: 'Day Mon, tcha nup?
Me: Pardon?"
Martin: Good Sime, what been to?
Which of course, if you add the two together, means 'Good day Simon, what cha been up to?" Generally, I don't need him to repeat, you learn to decode automatically after a few years.
Anyway, Martin's dad died last week. We discussed this for a while. He said the only thing wrong with the funeral was that "that nt 'Nifty' s'there"
We shared the latest Kevin Rudd joke, talked about Mark and Paddy. Martin is quite fond of Paddy, reckons he "speaks lot comm sense", especially on issues relating to the First Australians (Martin uses a more colourful phrase than that.)
Anyway, Carmen came up in the conversation. I said to Martin that we'd tried the West Australian experiment already and it had failed dismally, didn't he agree? He did, wholeheartedly. "Sime, you chyour ken ck"
I said I certainly would watch my back. He's a good mate.
Ok, off to the pool now, going to go for 54 laps.
In my next update I'll tell you what I've been reading.
Catchyas.
Monday, September 30, 2002
Am I boring because I'm so bored? Or is it the other way around?
Life can be complex.
The thing that annoys me about Rudd is the way he's taken control of this Iraq stuff.
Mark went a little troppo last week. Had a go at Paddy McGuinness, of all people. Paddy had questioned his sobriety in a column, which coming from Paddy is really just asking for it. Mark returned the compliment.
It's true Mark hasn't been taking care of himself lately. I think they should get together over a beer. What I mean is they deserve each other.
Not looking forward to the Cunningham byelection. There's an ever so slight chance that the Green candidate or this wacky left wing unionist will get enough preferences from everyone else to go over the top. That would be highly embarrassing.
Did you see today's Newspoll in the Australian? Written up by Dennis Shanahan. He says "The Coalition remains in a dominant position". He forgets we have preferential voting.
Utting hasn't been doing much out there lately - we ain't got the cash - but the little he has is in broad agreement with Newspoll. After preferences we're a good three points ahead.
So hold your horses Carmen, I'm not dead yet.
As I noted earlier, I admit to being boring. But at least I'm comfortable with it. Unlike the Prime Minister, who feels the need to liven his blogspot up with razzamattaz. With me it's just what you see is what you get. Take me or leave me.
No, don't leave me. Yet.
It's nearly one o'clock and not much has happened. Bob & I decided to do the opposition thing on this "war tax" beatup. But really, who gives two hoots?
Where's Carmen, I wonder? Surely she wouldn't still have aspirations, would she?
Catchya.
Do you want to know what being opposition leader is like? It's like being stuck forever at 2:30 on a very long and dull Sunday afternoon.
